最早于1983年在UUCP-net（互联网的前身）上发表的一个编程笑话
Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL
Ed Post
真正的程序员不使用PASCAL
Ed 发布（齐东野人翻译）
Letter to the editor of Datamation, volume 29 number 7, pp. 263-265, July 1983

                  "Real Programmers Don't Use PASCAL"
真正的程序员不使用PASCAL
                  -----------------------------------
        Back in the good old days -- the "Golden Era" of computers,  it
was easy to separate the men from the boys (sometimes called "Real Men"
and "Quiche  Eaters"  in the literature).  During this period, the Real
Men were the ones that understood computer programming, and the  Quiche
Eaters were  the  ones  that  didn't.   A real computer programmer said
things like "DO 10 I=1,10" and "ABEND" (they actually talked in capital
letters, you understand), and the rest of the world  said  things  like
"computers are too complicated for me" and "I can't relate to computers
-- they're  so  impersonal".  (A previous work [1] points out that Real
Men don't "relate" to anything, and aren't afraid of being impersonal.)
        在那些以前的好日子－计算机的黄金时代－是很容易区别男人跟小男孩的（文学作品中有时候也称为真正的男人和吃乳蛋饼的）。在那个时候，真正的程序员是那些懂计算机编程的人，吃乳蛋饼的并不懂计算机程序。真正的程序喜欢说"DO 10 I=1,10"和"ABEND"（他们喜欢用大写字母，你明白的），那些吃乳蛋饼的说：“计算机对我来说太难了，我不用计算机，计算机太不人性了。”
（早期作品[1]中指出真正的男人不害怕任何不人性。）
        But, as usual, times change.  We are faced today with  a  world
in which  little old ladies can get computers in their microwave ovens,
12-year-old kids can blow Real Men out of the water  playing  Asteroids
and Pac-Man,  and  anyone  can  buy  and even understand their very own
Personal Computer.  The  Real  Programmer  is  in  danger  of  becoming extinct, of being replaced by high-school students with TRASH-80's.
        There is a clear need to point out the differences between  the
typical high-school  junior  Pac-Man  player and a Real Programmer.  If
this difference is made clear, it will give  these  kids  something  to
aspire to  -- a role model, a Father Figure.  It will also help explain
to the employers of Real Programmers why  it  would  be  a  mistake  to
replace the  Real  Programmers  on their staff with 12-year-old Pac-Man
players (at a considerable salary savings).
LANGUAGES
编程语言
        The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is by
the programming  language  he  (or  she)  uses.   Real Programmers use FORTRAN.  Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of PASCAL, gave a talk once at which he was asked "How do you pronounce
your name?". He replied, "You can either call me by name, pronouncing
it 'Veert',  or  call  me by value, 'Worth'."  One can tell immediately
from this comment that Nicklaus Wirth is  a  Quiche  Eater. The  only
parameter passing  mechanism  endorsed  by   Real   Programmers    is call-by-value-return, as implemented in the  IBM\370  FORTRAN-G  and  H compilers.  Real  programmers don't need all these abstract concepts to get their jobs done -- they are perfectly  happy  with  a  keypunch,  a FORTRAN-IV compiler, and a beer.
        最简单的从人群中认出真正的程序员的方法是他（她）使用的编程语言。真正的程序员使用Fortran，吃乳蛋饼的使用PASCAL。Nicklaus Wirth，设计PASCAL的人，当有人问你怎么叫自己的名字是，回答说：“你可以叫我的名字，Veert，也可以叫我的值Worth”。你可以马上得出结论Nicklaus Wirth是个吃乳蛋饼的家伙。真正的程序员认可的参数传递机制是call-by-value-return，就象BM\370  FORTRAN-G  and  H 编译器实现的那样，真正的程序员享受着键盘穿孔机，FORTRAN-IV编译器，和一杯啤酒。
   * Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.
        真正的程序员用FORTRAN处理列表。
   * Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN.
        真正的程序员用FORTRAN进行字符操作。
   * Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN.
        真正的程序员用FORTRAN做会计工作，如果他们做这个工作。
   * Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN.
        真正的程序员用FORTRAN做人工智能程序。
If you  can't  do  it  in  FORTRAN, do it in assembly language.  If you
can't do it in assembly language, it isn't worth doing.
        如果你不能用FORTRAN做，那就用汇编语言做。如果你不能用汇编语言做，那他就不值得做。

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STRUCTURED PROGRAMMING

结构化编程

        The academics  in  computer  science  have  gotten   into   the "structured programming" rut over the past several years.  They claim

that programs are more easily understood if the programmer uses  some

special language  constructs  and  techniques.  They don't all agree on

exactly which constructs, of course, and the examples they use to show

their particular  point of view invariably fit on a single page of some

obscure journal or another -- clearly  not  enough  of  an  example  to

convince anyone.  

When  I  got out of school, I thought I was the best

programmer in  the  world.  I  could  write  an unbeatable tic-tac-toe

program, use  five  different  computer languages, and create 1000-line

programs that WORKED.  (Really!)  Then I got out into the  Real  World.

My first  task  in  the  Real  World  was  to  read  and  understand  a 200,000-line FORTRAN program, then speed it up by a factor of two.  Any

Real Programmer will tell you that all the  Structured  Coding  in  the

world won't  help  you  solve  a  problem  like that -- it takes actual

talent.

当我走出校门时，我自认为是世界上最好的程序员。我会编辑令人容忍的井字游戏程序，也能用 5种不同的计算机语言编写一个 1000行的WORKED程序。然后我进了 Real World 公司。我在 Real World 公司的第一个任务是阅读和理解一个 200000行的 Fortran程序，然后我使其运行速度提高了2倍。任何真正的程序员将会告诉你所有结构化编码将无助于你解决问题，需要的是天赋。

Some quick observations on  Real  Programmers  and  StructuredProgramming:

   * Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.

        真正的程序员不害怕GOTO

   * Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without

     getting confused.

        真正的程序员可以写5页的DO 循环页不混乱

   * Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements -- they make the

     code more interesting.

        真正的程序员喜欢算数的IF语句，这使代码更有趣。

   * Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they

     can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop.

        真正的程序员编写自己修正的代码，特别是如果他们能它们能在一个紧凑的循环中节省20纳秒。

   * Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious.

        真正的程序员不需要注释，代码足够明显了。

   * Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT ... UNTIL, or

     CASE statement, Real Programmers don't have to worry about not

     using them. Besides, they can to simulated when necessary using

     assigned GOTO's.

Data Structures  have  also  gotten  a  lot  of  press  lately.

Abstract Data  Types,  Structures,  Pointers,  Lists,  and Strings have become popular in certain circles.  Wirth (the  above-mentioned  Quiche Eater) actually  wrote  an  entire  book  [2] contending that you could write a program based on data structures,  instead  of  the  other  way around.  As  all  Real Programmers know, the on! useful. data structure is the Array.  Strings,  lists,  structures,  sets  --  these  are  all special cases  of  arrays  and  can  be treated that way just as easily without messing  up  your  programming  language  with  all  sorts   of complications.  The worst thing about fancy data types is that you have to declare  them,  and Real Programming Languages, as we all know, have implicit typing based on  the  first  letter  of  the  (six  character) variable name.

真正的程序员使用数组一种数据结构，其他的数据结构都是数组的变体而已。

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OPERATING SYSTEMS

操作系统

    What kind of operating system is used  by  a  Real  Programmer?

CP/M?  God  forbid  --  CP/M,  after  all, is basically a toy operating

system.  Even  little  old  ladies  and  grade  school   students   can understand and use CP/M.

        Unix is a lot more complicated of course --  the  typical  Unix

hacker never can remember what the PRINT command is called this week --

but when  it  gets  right  down  to it, Unix is a glorified video came.

People don't do Serious Work on Unix systems:  they  send jokes  around

the world on UUCP-net and write adventure games and research papers.

        No, your Real Programmer uses 0S\370.  A  good  programmer  can

find and understand the description of the IJK305I error he just got in

his JCL manual.  A  great programmer can write JCL without referring to

the manual at all.  A truly outstanding programmer can find hugs buried

in a 6 megabyte core dump without using  a  hex  calculator.   (I  have

actually seen this done.)

        OS is a truly remarkable operating system.   It's  possible  to

destroy days of work with a single misplaced space, so alertness in the

programming staff  is  encouraged.  The best way to approach the system

is through a keypunch.  Some people  claim  there  is  a  Tire  Sharing

system that  runs on 0S\370, but after careful study I have come to the

conclusion that they were mistaken.

真正的程序员使用UNIX

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真正程序员的工作

        Where does the typical Real  Programmer  work?   What  kind  of

programs are  worthy  of the efforts of so talented an individual?  You

can be sure that no  Real  Programmer  would  be  caught  dead  writing

accounts-receivable programs  in  COBOL,  or  sorting mailing lists for

People magazine.   A  Real  Programmer  wants  tasks  of  earth-shaking

importance (literally!).

   * Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing

     atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers.

        真正的程序员给Los Alamos的国家实验室工作，写能在Cray I超级计算机上运行的核弹模拟程序。

   * Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding

     Russian transmissions.

        真正的程序员给国土安全局工作，解码俄国毛子的通讯。

   * It was largely due to the efforts of thousands of Real

     Programmers working for NASA that our boys got to the moon and

     back before the Russkies.

        因为NASA几千名真正的程序员的努力，我们的孩子在俄国毛子之前到了月球并且回来了。

   * Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operating

     systems for cruise missiles.

        真正的程序员给波音公司设置循环导弹的控制系统。

        Some of the most awesome Real Programmers of all  work  at  the

Jet Propulsion  Laboratory in California.  Many of them know the entire

operating system of the Pioneer and Voyager spacecraft by heart.   With

a   combination  of  large  ground-based  FORTRAN  programs  and  small spacecraft-based assembly  language  programs,  they  are  able  to  do incredible   feats  of  navigation  and improvisation—hitting ten-kilometer wide  windows  at  Saturn  after  six  years  in space,

Repairing or bypassing damaged sensor platforms, radios, and batteries.

Allegedly, one  Real  Programmer  managed  to  tuck  a attern-matching

program into a  few  hundred  bytes  of  unused  memory  in  a  Voyager spacecraft that  searched  for, located, and photographed a new moon of Jupiter.

    许多值得尊敬的真正的程序员给加州喷气动力实验室工作。他们许多能记住先驱号和航行号宇宙飞船的整个操作系统。使用了大量的地名上FORTRAN程序和小型宇宙飞船上的汇编程序，他们创造了不可思议的壮举，6年之后，上万公里以外的土星运载火箭的上，修复了替换了损坏的传感器平台，无线电设备电池。据说一个真正的程序员，把一个类型匹配器程序塞入了航行号宇宙飞船没有使用的几百个比特的内存中，寻找，定位，并且拍摄了很多木星的卫星

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.................

In short,  a language designed to cripple the creativity of the typical

Real Programmer.  Fortunately, the language adopted by DoD  has  enough

interesting  features  to  make  it  approachable  --  it's incredibly complex, includes methods for messing with  the  operating  system  and rearranging   memory,  and  Edsgar  Dijkstra  doesn't  like   it   [6].(Dijkstra, as I'm sure you know, was the author  of  "GoTos  Considered Harmful" --  a  landmark  work in programming methodology, applauded by PASCAL programmers and Quiche Eaters alike.)  Besides,  the  determined Real Programmer can write FORTRAN programs in any language.

另外，一个真正的程序员可以用任何语言书写FORTRAN代码。

        The Real Programmer might compromise his principles and work on

something slightly more trivial than the destruction of life as we know

it, providing there's enough money  in  it.   There  are  several  Real

Programmers building  video  games  at  Atari,  for  example.  (But not playing them -- a Real Programmer knows how to beat the  machine  every time:  no  challenge in that.)  Everyone working at LucasFilm is a Real Programmer.  (It would be crazy to turn down the money of fifty million Star Trek fans.)   The  proportion  of  Real  Programmers  in  Computer Graphics is somewhat  lower  than  the norm, mostly  because nobody has found a use for computer graphics yet.  On the other hand, all computer graphics is done in FORTRAN, so there are a fair number of people doing graphics in order to avoid having to write COBOL programs.

另外一个方面，所有的计算机图形都是由FORTRAN实现的

............................

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Even Unix might not be as bad on Real Programmers  as  it  once

was.  The  latest  release  of  Unix  has the potential of an operating

system worthy of any  Real  Programmer  --  two  different  and  subtly incompatible  user  interfaces,  an  arcane  and  complicated  teletype driver, virtual memory.  If you ignore the fact that it's "structured", even 'C' programming can be appreciated hey the Real Programmer:  after all, there's  no type checking, variable names are seven, (ten- eight-) characters long, and the added bonus of the Pointer data type is thrown in -- like having the best parts of FORTRAN and  assembly  language  in one place.   (Not  to  mention  some  of  the  more  creative  uses for #define.)

真正的程序员会欣赏C语言，他是FORTRAN和汇编语言的结合。

        No, the future isn't all that bad. Why,  in the last few years,

the popular press has even commented or the bright new crop of computer

nerds and hackers ([7] and [8]) leaving places like Stanford and M.I.T.

for the Real World.  From all evidence, the spirit of Real  Programming

lives on  in  these  young  men  and  women.   As  long  as  there  are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, there  will be Real  Programmers  willing  to jump in and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for later.  Long live FORTRAN!

在过去的几年中，很多书呆子离开了斯坦福和MIT到了真实的世界，真正程序员的精神在这些年轻人中间存在。虽然有错误的目的，炫目的bug，不现世的机会表，这些真正的程序员会出来解决这些问题。FORTRAN万岁！

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

---------------

        I would like to thank Jan E., Dave S., Rich G.,  Rich E.,  for

their help  in characterizing the Real Programmer, Heather B.  for the

illustration, Kathy E. for putting up with it, and atd!avsdS:mark  for

the initial inspiration.

REFERENCES

----------

    [1]  Feirstein, B., "Real Men  don't  Eat  Quiche",  New

         York, Pocket Books, 1982.

        真正的男人不吃乳蛋饼

    [2]  Wirth,  N.,  "Algorithms  +   Data Structures   =

         Programs", Prentice Hall, 1976.

        算法＋数据结构＝程序

    [3]  Ilson, R., "Recent Research  in  Text  Processing",

         IEEE  Trans.   Prof.  Commun., Vol.  PC-23, No.  4,

         Dec. 4, 1980.

        文字处理器的研究      

    [4]  Finseth, C., "Theory and Practice of  Text  Editors

         -- or -- a Cookbook for  an  EMACS",  B.S.  Thesis,

         MIT/LCS/TM-165,    Massachusetts    Institute    of

         Technology, May 1980.

        文字处理器的理论和实践－或者－EMACS手册

    [5]  Weinberg,   G.,   "The   Psychology   of   Computer

         Programming",  New  York,  Van  Nostrand  Reinhold,

         1971, p.  110.

        计算机编程心理学

        

    [6]  Dijkstra, E., "On the GREEN language  submitted  to

         the  DoD",  Sigplan  notices,  Vol. 3  No.  10, Oct

         1978.

        美国国防部使用的GREEN语言

    [7]  Rose, Frank, "Joy of Hacking", Science 82, Vol.   3

         No.  9, Nov 82, pp.  58-66.

        黑客的乐趣

    [8]  "The Hacker Papers", Psychology Today, August 1980.

        黑客报告

    [9]  sdcarl!lin, "Real Programmers", UUCP-net,  Thu  Oct

         21 16:55:16 1982

        真正的程序员

The version at http://www.nikhef.nl/user/e07/misc/programmer.html includes a glossary.

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此帖顶之。搞笑，呵呵

 

ForTran让我们不需要数学头脑！